Asking Yourself this Question: Who are you?

Before I start this post, I do not think it will reassure me in the end. I do not think this post will answer my questions. I do not think this post will help me understand things. But I do think this post will be a good start.

Have you ever asked yourself that question "Who are you" without anyone in the room, without thinking about anybody else? Without even thinking about the pop culture influence you took part? Without thinking about the genre of music that fits you, or books that you like? Without thinking about the tattoos you have? Or what your sexual orientation really is? Without thinking about what your family or friends think of you?

People go on a identity discovering journey and it seems to me that I have not really gone on a one until yesterday night. College years was when I identified myself in a certain phase. When I say "phase" I'm talking about temporary time. Now that phase is over and I will not get it back. I was that "Clara" and now when I moved to Alaska. It felt like a new mold waiting to be formed into something. I felt as if I was starting all over again with my identity quest and a lot has happened. I just did not realize until last night.



When I first moved to Alaska- one of (maybe a good?) perk was starting all over again socially. I had few clusters of friends here but I did not have the ones I grew up with. The ones I grew up with went to K-12 (well, preschool actually.) and to college with me. They are a group of wonderful people I will always cherish for a lifetime. Those are the people that has already accepted me, seen my flaws, and seen the best/worst of me. And for me to start all over again without them in Alaska is a very scary thing for me.

Last night I was spending my time with group of friends at a bar, we were celebrating a birthday. It was very crowded and the dance floor was just sticky. I cannot guess how many people were there but everyone in that room are their own person. As I danced onstage, I looked at this wave of people dancing and drinking the night away- I wonder. Who are they, where did they came from, why are they in here? Why are they in Alaska? What do they do for living? What is their favorite color, favorite food, or favorite song? And what they think  of me? As I moved my hips along with the music, I ponder about myself.

My friends has called me "unique" "one-of-a-kind" or a wonderful person (which I like to think is true!) I know I'm artistic and very expressive. I like to think that I look at things differently, and I do not look at things flatly. But then again when I was in that room, I asked myself "how many people think of that way, themselves in this room?" I couldn't help it but felt that my identity has been clouded momentarily. Then I caught myself- why do I have to identify myself by comparing me to others, assuming what others think, or describe myself using a perspective?

Then, I knew I was truly starting all over again. This time, a little older. Instead of my parents' decision to enroll me in California School for the Deaf, I decided to enroll myself into Alaska. Instead of my friends' encouragement into joining sports, I decided to invest my time into the outdoors. Instead of my friends' stimulation from their experience with love, I decided to see love from a person regardless their gender. Instead of contributing to the community  macro-wise during my college days, I decided to stay under the radar a little and commit to one thing a time. Instead of being introduced to my classmates at pre-school era and becoming their friends, I decided to wander a little and find friends on the way. I decided to understand that I am finally capable of making my own decision.

My decision to start on this journey of defining who I am has begun. I am feeling quite excited, or feverish I'd say.