Something that Fits

   Hi I'm Clara and I'm 5'10, size 14. I'm enjoying my new life in Alaska. It's pretty cold today. We're anticipating for our next snowfall this Thursday that will make life warmer. 


Three years ago I dreaded the idea of going inside Torrid, a plus size clothing store. I did not want to be seen carrying one of their bags after I shop. I did not accept the idea of "plus size" stigma nor ever wanted to be associated with it. Truth be told, I'm a somewhere between size 14/16 depending on what jeans we're talking about. I have spent years trying to uncomfortably squeeze into Pacsun's jeans, American Eagle's largest jean, and other stores that is not affiliated with plus size clothing. I have had many disappointing moments in fitting room.

Wearing those jeans did not boost my confidence because hell, they did not fit. Imagine yourself walking around uncomfortably in those trendy jeans all just because you're in denial. When I sat, I panicked that my crack would show or that my jeans would rip because they're really tight. But I wanted to wear what my friends were wearing.

If I could tell this to myself: "Girl, everyone is put together differently." I would. Frankly, DO people stop you down the street and ask you what size are you? Do they even ask you about the stores you shop at? Of course not! Maybe if someone really liked the sweater- they would ask. Otherwise, think again before trying to hoax yourself in a smaller size. Do they look at your size tags? Only you. (and probably your significant other if applicable.)

After a couple of years in college where I finally found the confidence of self-acceptance. They say something about undergoing a journey in college- I went on a kind of journey where I saw myself through my own persona. My body became the external structure of my own self. That winter break I finally went in Torrid. It was not that bad, at first I was shy until I realized how their size 14 "skinny" (that term still irks me) jeans fit me so nicely. I have not been disappointed inside their fitting room. I have been shopping there for my pants ever since.

I have found myself dancing much more at my weekend gatherings because I am able to move freely. I have found myself sitting down recklessly without any worrying thoughts re: butt crack. I have found myself walking with my hips down the hallways so proudly because I have the confidence. The confidence that my clothes fits perfectly for me, and that I am owning it.

I must point out that this whole self-acceptance thing is never easy thing. It is a everyday thing that I fight with. I sometimes decide to slip in something smaller to comfort myself and find myself not wanting to dance with friends because it is not comfortable, it made me feel very self conscious. I sometimes wanted to go out and run just because I thought they way I look is unacceptable. I wanted to start a program because I want to look good in a bikini. I sometimes STOP myself and ask this: what is my original intention? To look good in a bikini- so I can feel accepted? To change the way I look so I can better interwove in the society? The intention I had was a unhealthy habit I had. Now, if I want to go out on a run, I ask myself why first.

But it is important to WEAR what FITS while I'm at it.