Longing to be Alone

As I comfort myself, letting the voice of Thom Yorke wrap around me like a blanket. Even though I don’t exactly know what the lyrics are but I find it so comforting, something so soothing about Yorke’s voice. I checked my phone to ensure I have enough time for another Radiohead song—which was a unfortunate no.

Is it okay to long to be alone, to be just lonely for a bit? I find myself at my best when I’m alone. I’m starting to think that I may also be an introvert especially with a high stimulating job I currently have. I work from 8PM on Sundays until 8 PM on Fridays. I’m a live-in staff at a house and my free time occurs only when my kids are at school. I eat my meals with them, wake up with them, and greet them goodnight. I love this job—it is a perfect form of birth control, working with several kids is not easy. I half-understand the saying of how parenting is the hardest job on planet, but in my case; I get paid.

I only have 48 hours to myself before I get to work again, and I thought in this case- I’d just get lonely in Alaska and savor those hours to myself. Boy I was wrong. (Maybe I should wait until the winter?)  Before accepting the job offer, I pictured myself moving in Alaska- relying only on public transportation, avoid getting attached to my students at work, and stay single.

None of that worked out. I ended up buying a car, letting my students grow on me, and having a boyfriend. I thought I’d stay here for 8 months but after four days, I already couldn’t picture myself moving out. This may or may not change after I face my first Alaskan winter. I’m keeping an open mind.

But is it okay to crave for some me time by asking yourself to be alone, to be lonely? I just miss being myself, being brutally honest with myself. Two Fridays ago, I couldn’t take it- I treated myself to some nice run at the costal trail. I found it to be very liberating, and very reassuring for me. I finally reconnected with myself, I finally reminded myself who I am. In 48 hours, I have full control of deciding what I want and who I really am. I decide what plans I should go with. I decide how I want to convey my inner-self to myself. This truly means being able to say no. Being able to have full control of your life is a bit harder than I imagined. 

Today marks the 8th week since I moved and I have learned that you should not plan life, let life take you.